The Pipe Hat Beard Page

It's a simple pastime really - just be on the lookout for people with Pipes, Hats and Beards. It is obviously much better to have them in combination, either a Pipe-Hat, Hat-Beard, Pipe-Beard or a full PHB. You will find that a true PHB is a very elusive creature, often trying to conceal the pipe by placing it in their pocket. They do, however find it a little more difficult to hide a beard, which will often give away a heavy pipe user.

You will find that there are a number of styles of Pipes, Hats and Beards. No two PHBs are ever alike, and it is for this reason that you should try to capture a PHB on camera so that they can be remembered and also so that you can prove to others that you have seen a genuine PHB. If for some reason, you don't have camera with you (after all, you never know when a PHB will turn up), you should instead inform them that they have been discovered. The accepted method of doing this is by shouting "Pipe Hat Beard" across the street at them, and pointing.

The ultimate aim of any PHB spotter should be to speak to and have their photograph taken with a genuine PHB. This has been done! Take a look at this picture, showing myself, and Mike - a fellow PHB spotter with a fine example of a very friendly PHB.

No! Only good quality Pipes, Hats and Beards will do. For this reason, the following items are banned from PHB spotting. It is considered bad sportsmanship to attempt to claim them.

Baseball caps, professional hats and religious hats.

Stubble and dodgy goatees. Only a good quality, well groomed goatee is permitted. This is entirely at the discretion of the PHB spotter, although the general rule is that any student form of facial hair will not qualify.
The line between stubble and a beard is often a fine one, but you will soon learn to distinguish an allowable beard.
Professional and religious beards are also banned.

Drain pipes, hose pipes, bubble pipes, water pipes, and generally any pipe which is not used for smoking, with the exception of chimney's, which are obviously not acceptable either.

It is also considered unsporting to loiter outside tobacco shops, or anywhere else associated with Pipes. Generally, the best PHBs are those you see in the street.

Once a PHB has been spotted, it has been found that further PHB spotting does not produce the same degree of interest that it used too, despite the individual peculiarities of each PHB. It is for this reason that extensions to PHB spotting can be added.

An example of this is Pate, Tash Cane (PTC). This involves spotting people with a bald head, a moustache and a walking stick. It has been found that Pate-Tashes are incredibly common, but they are rarely combined with a Cane. The PTC is generally more common than a PHB.

PTC and PHB spotting can of course be combined. Obviously a PHBPTC would be a sight to behold, but are often difficult to find, because the Hat tends to cover up the Pate. Therefore some cunning tactics must be devised in order to get the person to either remove or produce their hat.

Yes. Another popular one is spotting ridiculous hair styles. Note that these can only be applied to men. The ones to look out for are:

The Salamander - Incredibly long straight hair. It must go down below the shoulders to qualify. The Salamander should not be in capivity either (ie, it can't be tied back).
The Armadillo - Long curly hair. Like the Salamander, Armadillos should not be in captivity to qualify.
The Ploughmans - Short curly hair. Generally a bit of a mess, but normally goes sideways in a sort of bell shape.
The Growbag - Hair that comes out of the top of the head, and then goes down. Growbags are normally produced by headbands, although it is rumoured that the hair can be trained to grow this way.
The Side-Salad - A side parting.
The Splat - Heavily gelled hair which sticks to the head.
The Charlton - Named after its inventor, Bobby Charlton, this Side-Salad variant is used to conceal a Pate, normally not very well.
The Tin-Tin - This small vertical quiff is occasionally used to conceal a Pate, but is most often used because the wearer can't think of anything better to do with it. These are usually claimed by shouting "Herge's adventures of..." at them.

These hair styles will often be combined. The following have all been known. A Salamander-Side Salad (aka the Sala-Salad); The Ploughadillo; The Side Splat; The Patedillo; The Patemander, and the most ridiculous is the Charlton which was actually combed into a Ploughmans on the other side to keep it down.

Another popular thing to spot are people associated with religion. These are simply claimed by the words, "Vicar!" or "Nun!" or "Dodgy foreign religious person!", depending on the subject.

Click here to find out the 10 best things spotted so far, and then the 10 that we'd like to see.

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